Pondering the Therapeutic Relationship

As a trauma survivor who has struggled with relationships and boundaries whether those relationships were family, friends, co-workers, or romantic relationships, entering into a therapeutic relationship was hard and often confusing. Receiving that positive, unconditional regard was so healing in so many ways, and also super confusing. Receiving that kind of attention really makes you like a person! Experiencing that level of trust and forming an attachment can create quite a bit of emotional turmoil.

There were times I really struggled and grappled with the concept of ‘my therapist is not my friend’ or ‘my therapist is not my mom’ and somehow I ended up believing that I needed to build a wall between us to keep our mind from becoming too attached or too close. This ended up enforcing that disorganized attachment of pull in closer and then push away hard. It’s such an exhausting place to be, for me and my therapist!

The thing is, though, that the therapeutic relationship is a very powerful one and an important one to have. It’s not lesser in any way compared to friends, family, co-workers, etc. It’s actually more than. I need my therapist to be my therapist and not just for the unconditional positive regard. I need her to be able to confront me, call me out on my shit sometimes, to help me grow and evolve into the best version of myself. 

If she was my friend, she might not be able to confront me in the way that she can now, because it means something different when she does it compared to when a friend does it. She’s doing it because she can see the bigger picture way better than I can and because it is what is best for me, whereas a friendship is a two-way street and they have underlying needs within the relationship. The therapeutic relationship is a one-way street. 

Even though the therapeutic relationship is a one-way street, that is absolutely not a license to lash out at a therapist. They are not there to be our punching bag, even if they are the ones that hurt our feelings. Therapists are humans too. Being able to hold space for our anger though, listening to what hurt us, and apologizing to us was a super-healing experience.

As a therapist myself now, I have a much better understanding of this concept. I am there for my client, they are not there for me. And to know I have one person who is my therapist who can hold space for all of my mess is such a relief. I know she’ll tell it to me straight. I know that she cares deeply about me. I know she’s not afraid to point out things I need to see. I know that I can be as mad as I need to be, upset as I need to be, and she will hear me out. I know that if I am upset with her, I can share that with her and at the end of the day she’ll still be my therapist. I know that she knows how to implement, hold, and enforce boundaries for my well-being. And for all of that, I highly respect her.

It is through her that I learn to show up as a better spouse, a better mom, a better friend, and a better colleague. She helps me rise up and to be the best me that all of us can be.